No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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