Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
