The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
