so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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