I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize