Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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