I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
