Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
