Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize