Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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