I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
