Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
