hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
