also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
