Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
