My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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