remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Text me some of your sweat
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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