every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
