Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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