the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
