He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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