Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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