The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize