Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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