I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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