I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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