Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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