hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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