wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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