She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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