I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
