Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
