Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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