in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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