I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
