I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
