Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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