you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
