Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
