Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize