my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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