john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
