Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
