I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
