My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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