New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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