So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
