i permit you to call me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
