Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
