You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
