I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
