I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
