Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
