i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
