i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
