You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
