It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I lost the right to judge tonight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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