4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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