I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
