I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
