he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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