New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
